Horace was excited to show off his new technology to Grant. Horace and Grant had a long history of one-upmanship, and Horace knew Grant would be quite jealous of the new system he owned. Less than one hour after Lou, Horace’s son left Horace’s house, he called Grant.
“You won’t believe what I got from my son for Christmas.” Horace proclaimed over the phone.
Grant answered. “It’s not even Christmas. Heck, we still have our Halloween decorations up.”
“Well, it’s the middle of December. Your house is the laughing stock of the park. But back to my present. You need to come see it.”
“It’s probably a new pickleball paddle, right?” Grant asked.
“Why do you say that?” Horace wondered.
“Because I just got a new paddle, and every time I get something new, you go out and get something better. That’s been going on since I bought that new battery-powered leaf blower back in 2010.”
Horace thought back to the time he did in fact buy a new battery-powered turbo leaf blower, just to out-do Grant. “Well, it’s not a pickleball paddle, and I’m not going to tell you what it is. You’ll just have to come over to see what it is.”
Ten minutes later, Grant rang Horace’s doorbell, a funny-looking device with a black circle in the middle and the word ‘Ring’ etched across the top. Without looking out the front window, Horace yelled “Come on in, Grant.”
Grant stepped in and asked, “How did you know it was me?”
With a beaming smile, Horace responded, “I just asked my Echo device. She’s hooked up to my new doorbell, who ran facial recognition, and then informed Alexa you were at the door. Alexa informed me. And now you’re inside.”
“How can I help you?” Alexa asked.
“Alexa. Never mind.” Horace said.
“Cute.” Grant exclaimed. So what’s this new gift of yours?”
“That’s it. Alexa. And her friends. My son Lou set it up today, and now I’m in the twenty-first century.”
“Would you like to watch Friends on TV?” Alexa asked.
“No thank you.” Horace replied.
“I have an echo device too.” Grant replied. “I can ask it to do things, like play music, set an alarm, or play Jeopardy, and she’s always ready to obey my command.”
“Just a minute.” Horace interrupted. “Alexa, could you please dim the living room light, play a mix of smooth jazz, and tell me Grant’s horoscope.”
The light in the living room dimmed, Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue filed the room, and Alexa said “Look for opportunities to fully experience life under the Gemini full moon, dear Taurus, moving through the day with all your senses turned on. These vibes are great for embracing simple pleasures and breaking up tasks with moments of luxury.”
Grant was astonished. “How does Alexa know my birthday?”
“I’m sorry. I don’t understand what you’re asking.” Alexa said.
“Don’t say her name unless you want something from her.” Horace added. “You’ll only confuse her.”
“I know how she works.” Grant replied. “I have an Echo also. So what makes you so special?”
“My Alexa has all the bells and whistles . . .”
“I’m sorry. Can you repeat that?” Alexa asked.
“Don’t say here name unless . . .” Grant responded, mimicking Horace’s voice.
“I know.” Horace stated. “Anyway, my house is fully connected. You-know-who does whatever I ask. I also have the Amazon app on my phone. As long as she’s connected to my Wi-Fi, I can have her do things from anywhere in the world.”
“So all you need is to be connected to your Wi-Fi to get her to obey your every command?” Grant asked.
“No. She needs to be connected to my Wi-Fi. As long as I know my password, she’ll do anything I ask. Pretty nifty, eh?” Horace asked.
Grant told Horace of the horror stories he’d heard about privacy, big-brother, and the Deep State. “Don’t get too caught up in all this technology. Just remember. Watch what you say. Alexa is always listening.”
“Can you please say that again?” Alexa asked.
With that, Grant smiled and headed toward the door. “Don’t call me to bail you out when the FBI knocks your door down and hauls you off to jail. Alexa. Play Hell’s Bells by AC/DC.”
Grant walked out the door just as Bob Scot screamed, “I’m a rolling thunder, pouring rain
I’m coming on like a hurricane.”
Horace called out to Grant as he headed home. “Let me know if you ever need help moving from the Dark Ages.”
Later that evening, Horace was home with Henrietta. Horace sat in the Arizona room reading. Henrietta called to him from the back bedroom. “Horace. Why did you turn the bedroom light off?”
“I didn’t.” he replied. “Just a minute. Alexa. Turn the bedroom light on.”
The light illuminated. “Thank you.” Henrietta said.
“No problem.” Horace responded.
As the words left his lips, a familiar yet agonizing voice blurted out God-awful yodeling from the kitchen. Slim Whitman’s voice crooned Cattle Call softly from the Echo.
“What’s gotten into her?” Horace wondered. “Alexa. Stop playing music.”
“Okay.” Alexa said.
Horace grabbed his phone and called Lou. Horace started to ask Lou why his Echo acted up. From in the bedroom, Henrietta yelled, “Horace. Did you mess with the thermostat again? It’s awful hot in here.”
Horace walked to the new Nest thermostat. It read eighty-eight degrees. “Just a minute.” he said to Lou. “Alexa. Set the temperature to seventy degrees.”
“Okay.” Alexa said. “Would you like to set a schedule?”
“No. Just quit screwing with the settings.”
Horace continued the conversation with his son. “There must be a bug in the system. Alexa is going crazy.”
Just then, Crazy, by Patsy Cline began playing. Horace yelled into the kitchen. “Alexa Not that Crazy.”
“Okay.” Alexa said. Crazy, by Gnarls Barkey filled the air.
“ALEXA. STOP THE MUSIC. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?”
The music stopped. “I’m just fine. How are you?” Alexa asked.
The doorbell rang. “Lou, I gotta go. Someone’s at the door. I’ll call you back. Possibly to ask you to come over and take my gift back.”
Horace opened the door. The porch was empty. Horace slammed the door, just as Henrietta called out again. “Horace. It’s cold in here.”
Horace had enough. He was on his way into the kitchen to unplug the Echo. Before he could, though, Alexa began speaking. “You’ll feel many emotions under the Gemini full moon, dear Pisces, though some of the sensations that run through you could be rooted in what others are feeling. Take care to protect your heart with verbal, energetic, and internal boundaries.”
Across the street, and two doors down, Grant sat in a recliner in his Arizona room. He held his mobile phone, and smiled as he typed commands into the Amazon app he had open.